The List

Priorities

And I don't have too many

1. School
-Computer
-Books
-Loans
2. Eyes
-Exam
-Contacts
-Glasses
3. Sleep
-Mattress
-Platform
4. Transportation
*Car
-Insurance
5. Physical Fitness
-Elliptical

Realness

Real recognize real for real.

But most of the time real is uniqiue and deals with you feeling your true self out for yourself only.

Great writers

So lately I have been on a beng of sorts.
A reading and writing beng that is. I started a story the other day, I don't know if it is a novel or a short story or what it is but I'm in love with it so far. Not to pat my own shoulder ungraciously but I do love the way it is turning out. It's like I know this story already and I wrote it before, it is so weird that when I sit down to write I can concentrate on what I'm writing and very rarely do I have to think overly hard to move on to the next part.
I'm not lost, I'm not bored, I'm not unfocused.
And that is amazing when it comes to writing a completly ficticious work for me. For the last couple of years those were the problems that I ran into whenever I tried to sit down and write a fiction peice.
It seems I'm inspired again.
It also seems I owe the credit to a very old author that I just happened to stumble upon some meraculous way, his name? you ask. Italo Calvino.
I have never heard anyone speak about him, I have never read an article about him, nor have I been assigned any of his work in school- Nor have a read a complete peice from him...this is how great a writer this guy is.
That he can inspire me to write without me having to read anything but a few paragraphs by him.
I read the beginning of his last novel of which I can not remember the name- not for the lack of entertainment it brought to my mind but for the excess of weed I have endured in my past {&As a side note I'd like to add that I quit, thank you thank you very much.}
Anywhoz I'm going to stop by the library one of these days and actually read the entire thing.
If you're interested in reading this man I also found a link for his book the invisible cities which begins pretty awesomely, its not the whole thing but its enough to give you a cooky quizical look on your face and want to keep reading to discover just how unique an author he is..
http://books.google.com/books?id=5AokCxyISuIC&pg=PA7&sig=owxNzQNRlgeHJ67QIDtyX1POn7A#v=onepage&q&f=false

I also have been devouring Shakespeare lately. Now that is something truly weird, I hated Shakespeare as a younging and pretty much as an adolescent. I mean I hated Shakespeare even up to last year. I could not understand for the life of me his language- But now, I devour it like gobble gobble gobble. I shocks me to the depths of my soul honestly. I finished reading the twelth night last night and this morning I started King Lear which I am finding to be quite fulfilling :)

But what I am in love with again is poetry, I seemed to have reawakened the love with a little book by A.A. Milne called now we are six. Of which I actually felt inclined to record myself reading several of the poems.

Hmmm. Calvino, Shakespeare, Milne It seems the dead are speaking to me...
(Not to mention that suddenly {And I mean suddenly.}I have been dying for the past couple of hours to watch the lord of the rings trilogy... I may even want to read it in a few weeks the way I've been going.{This is particularly odd since I have always been inclined to hate even the trailers of this movie. And I did try to read this before as a child. Snooze. But who knows now.})

One author whom I hope is alive and well spoke to me loud and clear today whilst searching for the first authors work I stumbled upon a little somebody who only bears an avatar and screen name Darkness of an Angel on a website I honestly never heard of before.
A poem named You are reading this too fast

You are reading this too fast.
Slow down, for this is poetry
and poetry works slowly.
Unless you live with it a while
the spirit will never descend.
It's so easy to quickly cut across the surface
and then claim there was nothing to find.
Touch the poem gently with your eyes
just as you would touch a lover's flesh.
Poetry is an exercise in patience,
you must wait for it to come to you.
The spirit manifests in many guises;
some quiver with beauty,
some vibrate with song.
What is happening?
Slow down, slow down,
take a few deep breaths,
read the poem slowly,
read the lines one at the time,
read the words one by one,
read the spaces between the words,
get sleepy, this is poetry,
relax until your heart
is vulnerable, open open.

If you want to read this yourself go ahead. The link is below.
http://www.animeonline.net/f125/you-reading-too-fast-4-23-a-26779

Anywhoz thats all I wanted to share. Now I'm off to watch the fellowship of the rings...



Could it be that I have finally accepted my geekatude?

So I...

Have stumbles upon change within me
Spirituality and humility
Lose and a yearning to be
And here I am...
I have nothing of this world and it feels alright with me
I want more than I can grab but I still feel free
I say that because usually when your wanting for something is strong but the actuallity of you getting it is far and few in between there is usually a chain that grounds you and pins you down to earth
But I don't feel that way. I feel light and still free and still hopeful...

So far...

Everyday is a constant and new journey for me enabling me in uncovering my truths and lies.
The things that make me unique to the world are my truths.
The things that keeps me conformed to this world are me lies.
I get to know them more everyday. And the better I understand them the further I get from my family.
& I don't feel bad about that fact.
Things are starting to boil over with them and I can only watch the pot spill, I won't turn down the heat to comfort others and nurture my own cowardice.
For I have a strong need to feel and be courageous and I can't let that go to make others comfortable in my shadow as I grow and they stay the same.
This blog is about life. My life.
The growth of myself.
Growing includes change.
Change is something that I have been dead scared of in the past.
& While I'm not past it I am most definatly over it.
I've changed my look- permed to natural- big boned to average
Now it's time to change my mind

I've been working on it for quite some time.
Some things I have conquered like my addiction to smoking pot- which was just some kind of desperate last attempt to salvage my ties to the world-
A desperate last attempt to be normal and like the crowd.
To keep myself from being the way I truly am and have been since birth which is enlightened- I have always had a keen sense of sense that is uncommon but surely intelligent and surely graspable by anyone who is logical and sensible.
I've always been 'older minded' and smoking weed helped me kind of keep myself young and have reckless unsecured fun.

I'm past that point. I need my enlightment back. I need my shine back and most of all I need myself back.

I haven't smoked or yearned to smoke in a good three months.
I can sufficedly say I'm over that.

What else I am over is this idea that I need to see everything and everyone in the world around me and know them and what they're about.

This is something that I grew up around and never agreed with. Something that more and more people are getting into the habit of doing.
Something that is beginning to bore and depress me.
So I have decided that I will focus solely on me.
& my purpose in life which I firmly believe is to help others and bring them closer to god by helping them to see the truth in the word.
To restore hope in this world so that those whom are supposed to be in the kingdom gets there.
I have decided that watching others and getting emotionally constricted at their decisions makes me a weak individual and detracts from my purpose and fulfillment in life.

And really that what we all seem to be living for- purpose and fulfillment.

Prayer and Meditation

Lately I have been praying. On and Off.
Thinking to myself that prayer isn't needed daily, because I don't have anything to ask for daily. Once I have what answers I need then I won't need another for a couple of days or something like that. I give praise everyday but praying and meditation is every couple of days.
& now I think no wonder I can't seem to keep peace and balance in my life. I realize that that is what we are constantly struggling for and against chaos and an imbalance of good and evil within ourselves.

Atleast that is what I'm constantly battling with...
So a constant meditation and prayer for the peace and balance is necessary no matter what answers I get that seem to be what I'm looking for.

That this is something to pray for daily because everyday there will be a new threat to those things but if I have a constant stream of answers to keeping peace and balance then I will always be armed with the answer.
And I will constantly win this battle.

Honestly

You hate what I said to you
I hate how I said it
But the truth was too close
To ignore it. To run from it.

I hate what you do
That no one stands near me
When I stand up
Only adds to my discomposure
But in need of strength
I won't sit back down

You love what you do
That no one tells you your wrong
Especially when you are
They close their eyes, and staple their tongues
Except when it directly impacts them
Then everyone rallies around them
Including me

But when your wrong and it impacts me
Everyone flees
Everyone leaves me
Everyone hates me
Can't stand me
Leaves fate to me

Disrespect who I am
For who I am not
Because they can't see me being who I say I want to be.

Truthfully I can't see it either
But I can't see myself
Being who you want me to be
Being who you see me being
Doubt you see me at all

Doubt they see me at all
Know they would rather not
& I don't blame them
My delivery is all wrong
Your actions wronger

Why am I surprised though?
I only remember being pushed away
Never hugged closer
Compared to my father
Never a woman...
&When I try to be a woman
Lights out
Say goodnight
No one wants you around
Get it through your mind.
Get it through your mind.
Get it through your mind
Get it through your mind.

Only god and yourself.
See heaven and god in yourself.
Don't fear or show how you really feel.
Just love yourself...
It won't be long before someone does too...



Women need admiration
but not as much as they need love...



It's okay to cry and feel this way. Just clean up when your done. Leave no evidence of your fallen heart.



Don't look down, just stand up
I decide who I'm gonna be
I lied to myself, I've given enough
I can't hide behind my fear of flying

Don't hide. Love yourself.

~~Love me~~